My testimony,

It really started in 2001, I think it was in April that my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. I don't remember much of the first couple years, she went to Texas and New Mexico I think. Other than that the first years were a blur, I remember seeing mom throw up blood and stuff like that when she was really sick but not much more. But imagine that, a six or seven year old watching his mom throw up blood? I feel sorry for myself! I was a very angry kid then, sometimes still am. And it's not something I will ever be proud of, to cause any stress at all to someone with cancer is something hard to live with. I haven't and don't know if I will ever forgive myself for the things I have done, "All of the stupid things I have said." (That is a quote from a song by Coldplay) I guess part of the reason I try to make people laugh is because it helped me through each day, the thought of fighting to release energy also helped me. Kinda like the light and dark side of one's personality, but both were very strong stress relievers for me. I guess it sounds a bit morbid to relax at the sight of a video game characters pain., well that doesn't help me anymore. I guess the good guy's prevail after all! It stopped helping after it was taken away for a punishment I don't remember what for, laughing always helps. Not as much as it did before, My mom was the one who led me to Christ. I was studying for awana, then it was a contest more than to just learn the versus. Another thing I am not proud of, I asked her how to be saved. She told me, I don't remember her words so I won't try to tell you. I then walked into our school area and followed the instructions, I got in a place where no one could see me. (I guess that had to do with the Bible saying: "Do not be like the hypocrites and pray in the crowds, making a scene every time they pray. But do it in private, away from others." Something like that.) I was still quite confused after that though, I didn't know "What to do." So to speak. I didn't tell my mom or dad until the next day, mostly because they sent me straight to bed. The got me a bible after that and I read it very little, I probably learned more about the bible in awana then by reading it myself. When I did start reading it I started getting answers, like to the question: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" My mom told me to read about Job and it would explain itself. And it did, I also began to scare myself as I read it more and more. I remember finding a great interest in the Book of Revelations, it was cool to me. I did my best to understand it, but me being nine years old by that time I did my best. I was Eight when I got saved, I think it was: September 13 2003. (It was that month and year for sure.) I then started reading something easier by my dad's request, I read the Book of John. Why John? Well for those of you who know me, (That should be all.) Then you should know. I read that and really enjoyed it, I also understood it better than I did Revelations. I then found that the Book of Judges had a lot of action in it, I read it trying to understand it as I went and not just read it because of the action. After that I tried to read the first book in the Bible: Genesis, I failed. It was "Too boring for me." So I started reading 1 & 2 Samuel, I really enjoyed those two. So then i started reading The 1 & 2 Kings and Chronicles. I read the Kings but not the Chronicles, well not completely anyway. I read through random parts of the Bible, sometimes just opening it and reading. Over the years I have read a lot in Psalms and Proverbs, I have read more in the new testament and have become a wizard at flipping to certain places in my Bible. (Well in my opinion anyway!) Then came 2006, I truthfully hated that year. And still do, my mom's cancer escalated. She had several tumors and was in the hospital most of the year, and then our church had their fall festival. Of course she wanted us to have a great time so she said we could go, she had been brought home and was still there at the time. While we were there my sister pulled me to the side and said: "Jack don't tell anyone but mom fell, they brought her to the hospital and we don't know what's going on." I thought nothing of it, at all. I had seen her survive I think it was three tumors and almost six years of Cancer. I wasn't worried at all, then we got home and waited for her to come home. Then Lydia told us all to load up, I remember being in the back of the big van with a blanket because it was cold. We got there and they let us see her, she was in so much pain that her nerves were going out of whack. They brought her to Albany Georgia, about two hours from where we lived. When we got there it was about 1:00 am, we waited all day to see what would take place. Dad told us several times: "She might not make it this time." But still I held hope, hope that my will would be done. I remember trying to keep a sense of humor and make the people around me laugh, I couldn't sleep with the stress that was ever so building. Around 5:30 the called us in there, she wasn't going to make it. The Doctor couldn't do anything more, she was already brain dead. Seventeen hours of waiting for them to say she was fine while her brain cells died one at a time, I remember going into the waiting room and as soon as we came out people crying. A noise I still hate, I did my best to hold back tears. Someone came to me and told me to just let them out, I looked around the room. People were looking at me with a expression that almost hurt as much as my mom dying, Pity. They had a look of pity, one that I couldn't look back at. Selfish as it was I was thinking about me then, Believe it or not. The last words I can remember my mom saying to me as I walked out of the house to go to the Fall festival were: "Good bye John Mark, I love you." The last words I heard from her mouth. Dad told us right after we were told she was dead that, we were about to experience every emotion we had ever experienced before. It was true, I was mad that God would do that to me, happy that she was finally without pain, sad that I would never hear her voice again, and hated the dreams that followed after that day. And that is just an overview of what I was feeling emotionally, over the years I have tried my best to hide my emotions and thoughts. I have done it almost perfectly with everyone of them except anger, you usually can never tell if I am sad. To get me to laugh you have to catch me off guard or say something very funny, the last thing I worried about was stress. I was angry for months after her death, and then God started showing me how merciful he is. People provided for us like crazy, we didn't have to even think about what to eat at thanksgiving. People just gave and we said thanks, what remains after that? A kid who has trained himself to use sarcasm the best he can in a positive way, a Christian with a stronger relationship with God, and a human without fear. Anytime someone says they are my worst nightmare, I respond: "No you're not, mine has already happened." So good things have come of this, and some bad most likely. But that is how I became a Christian and how the death of my mom has strengthened my relationship with God. So good bye for now!



Jack,